Most adoptive moms and other second moms have lots of ideas, expectations, wishes & dreams about being successful in their new mom roles.
But as a practical matter, even after years in, a second mom will often have a fuzzy definition (if any) of what it means for her to truly be successful in this non-traditional role. Or how this role impacts the other roles, relationships & areas of her life.
We get stuck wondering things like,
“How can I get her to stop lying?” or
“Why won’t he do what I say without blowing up?”
When you’re unsure what to do, it’s hard to move forward & easy to feel like you’re failing.
The good news is, you can quickly bring clarity to the confusion by getting laser-focused on your Second Mom Mission, based on your clearly defined/refined Mom Mission Statement.
In this post, I’ll explain what a Mom Mission Statement is and provide 3 ways it can help you steer clear of roadblocks to being & feeling successful throughout your second mom journey.
I hope that this will inspire you to get started with your own Mom Mission Statement so it becomes easier to recognize your current success while also confidently building further success moving forward.
What is the perfect way to define success for second moms in non-traditional adoptive or blended family settings?
Mom Mission Statement: A clear & concise definition of personal success, in a specific family role/set of roles, that is totally aligned with your own core values and clear commitments, from which to self-assess how successfully your you carry out your mom role.
There are (at least) three ways a well-formulated Mom Mission Statement can help you:
- Your Mom Mission Statement can bring clarity to what your personal Mom Mission is…and what it’s not, so that you won’t get hung up on other people’s idea of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing, knowing that it’s grounded in your personal values & commitments.
- Your Mom Mission Statement can help you stop the compare & despair routine, knowing that it’s a fit for the particulars of your specific family characteristics & dynamics.
- Your Mom Mission Statement can help you combat feelings of failure & hopelessness as you recognize your past & current successes, prompting you to move forward — as success builds upon success (for us AND our kids!)
The added benefit is that your Mom Mission Statement can provide the foundational piece for planning your Second Mom Mission Map! (See more below)
Component #1 - Your Core Values
Your core values and how they impact your parenting make up a crucial component of your Mom Mission Statement and are foundational to your feelings of success as a second mom.
If you’re feeling out of alignment with these core beliefs & values then you’re going to feel “off” and unsettled.
This is a crucial component because just as a strong core physically is crucial to mobility and balance, so is a strong values core essential when it comes to how you balance all the aspects of this challenging second mom role and keep moving forward.
Many people who are new to being an adoptive mom (or raising their step-child or child of a relative) start out on the right track but then get stuck because they look to traditional methods to solve their non-traditional problems. And then when it backfires they wind up frustrated, feeling like a failure, even afraid.
The key to getting past this pattern of trying over & over again & failing is to recognize and accept that this second mom role is different than the traditional ones. Thus, your mission needs to be more specialized.
To get started, think through your top values (things that really get to you when you feel they’re not being upheld). For example fairness; honesty; including everyone who wants in.
Then for each one write down an example of how this value showed up in your life. Either in a positive way (You made an extra effort to include everyone in the block party despite the opinions of certain neighbors) Or a negative way (It got under your skin when their aunt treated your two daughters so differently, as fairness is an important value for you. )
Component #2 - Your Commitments
Core Commitments include BIG Core Commitments, like faith, marriage & family commitments and others... the type that determine the directions of our lives.
Other, “smaller” commitments might include things like promises to others or even ourselves, and may be grouped into larger BUCKETS — for example, a commitment to being on time might be one bucket; commitments to personal boundaries might be another.
If you’ve spent hours upon hours trying to get someone else’s approval (your spouse, your kids, YOUR parents) but something still feels off, like you’re not getting traction, this is likely the piece that’s missing. Without this, you can do backflips at their command and still not get their consistent approval because that’s how humans are.
So what can you do?
A really useful tool for getting clear on & keeping your commitments is to make each one a big deal by investing in your commitments. You can invest in your commitments in various ways and at various levels. A marriage commitment would involve a much bigger & deeper investment than, say, a commitment to write in your journal daily (which might merely involve a time investment, a new pen & blank notebook.)
Component #3 -Your Follow Through
Your follow through starts with actually composing your clear & concise Mom Mission Statement.
Then you’ll want to make it visible, not just set it aside and forget about it.
Review and remind yourself of your mission statement frequently.
Using your Mom Mission Statement as the foundation, you might consider composing your Second Mom Mission Map as a next step. ( I can help with both of these.)
Of course, creating your Mom Mission Statement may sound simple, but also feel hard getting started or to get past a stuck point in order to not just get it done, but get it just right.
Consider using my Mom Mission Formula, which is included in the workbook, Re-Defining Success for Second Moms in which I walk you through each section with reflection questions to guide you step by step to the final step - putting it all together using the Mom Mission Formula.
The Mom Mission Formula can not only help you get the process started, but helps you distill and refine your journal reflections into a Mom Mission Statement that is just right for you!
- You’ll differentiate between “their” successes & your own
- Then you’ll clarify your core values & your core commitments
- Then, in order to
- clarify your personal Mom Mission;
- stop getting hung up on other people’s ideas about your parenting;
- stop the compare & despair routine;
- put the feelings of failure & hopelessness behind you;
- recognize your past & current successes;
- move forward building success upon success;
- create the foundational piece for planning your Second Mom Mission Map;
- Simply compose your Mom Mission Statement using the Mom Mission Statement Formula!
Once you’re done, you’ll be well on your way to not only knowing that you are a successful second mom, but moving forward with the clarity and confidence that you’ve been missing.
Putting it All Together for Your Perfect Recipe for Second Mom Success
There you have it!
The 3 components of your perfect recipe for second mom success. Core Values, Core Commitments & Follow Through.
It may sound like a lot, but like most things practice makes perfect. Refer to your Mom Mission Statement frequently so it remains top of mind and is an easy reference for you. This will help you cut through the parenting advice that isn’t aligned with your Mom Mission and differentiate between your non-traditional Mom Role as an adoptive/second mom and other more traditional roles.
What’s next? Download Re-Defining Success Workbook
If you need help getting started, my free Re-Defining Success for Second Moms workbook will help you clarify your Second Mom Mission and formulate your concise Mom Mission Statement, so you can build success upon success in your post adoption mom role (or other second mom roles) with confidence and clarity of purpose.
Click here to download the Re-Defining Success workbook now >> Re-Defining Success for Second Moms - Free Journal Workbook
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Post Adoption (Mom) Coach
“STANDING IN THE GAP FOR 2ND MOMS”
Me too!
Publishing this podcast & companion blog is one way that I stand in the gap for second moms with similar challenges to what I’ve gone through myself as an adoptive mom.
Listen & subscribe to the podcast for free on your favorite listening platform.
(Scroll down for Apple Podcasts & Spotify links).
The companion Circle of Second Moms Facebook group is a place to go deeper on topics that we touch on in the public podcast episodes along with guided journaling and more.
Tap the JOIN LINK HERE for group access.
Group members who want next level support through private coaching with me are invited to apply for private coaching by scheduling an application call. To do that click HERE.
Through these avenues it’s my desire that many adoptive moms are able to close the gap and feel fully supported in a way that align with their Christian values and helps them grow in their faith while feeling more confident and empowered in their mom roles and beyond.
DISCLAIMER: I’m a coach, not a doctor nor a therapist. As a coach I do not offer mental or medical health diagnosis, treatment or cures. Furthermore, I am no longer a practicing attorney and do not offer individual legal advice. For individual advice related to your own personal situation I recommend you seek out an appropriate professional. Coaching may fill a spot in your overall support network.
