Parenting is rarely straightforward, but when it comes to adoption, the journey takes on added challenges. One of the profound pieces of this puzzle is recognizing the ongoing effects of the trauma background your child may carry, how it impacts their behaviors and perceptions—especially their belief (or fear) that they may be unlovable, leading them to approach close relationships defensively.
Even as the most prepared adoptive parent, experiencing your incredible love and dedication reflected back with wariness or even rejection from your child can be destabilizing.
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For eons it seems, we’ve been hearing that heaping on more praise is the best, maybe even the ONLY way to encourage our children, to motivate them, to get them to take action. I just read something from yet another frustrated mom sharing about her dilemma with the same message, selling the same pitch. And since everyone seems to be saying it, it must be true. Right?
Uhh… no.
This mom's dilemma went something like this: People say I should praise my child more and tell him I'm proud of him...but when I do he goes ballistic!
I think most of this advice is coming from a place of good intentions. But it’s easy advice. And not only does one specific method or strategy not work for everyone, but excessive praise also definitely isn’t the best option out there.
Also, how do you know that these “experts” are following their own advice? Or that they’re getting great results just adding more and more praise for children with similar histories to yours?
It seems to me that you can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated or like a failure because you're efforts at heaping on additional praise aren't working for you when you’re not the problem!
I know because back when one of my daughters was going through a hard phase, I tried encouraging and motivating her, intentionally praising her more, and I just didn’t get great results.
In fact, I got a window into her world when she told me how it made her feel when one of her teachers would "cheer" her, especially in front of the class. Was that ever an eye-opener! I learned that the teacher's praise caused her to feel pressure that in turn, had the opposite result of what was intended.
Do you know or suspect that your adopted child with a trauma history has periods, however brief, of dissociation?
Not by Choice
Dissociation in a nutshell is an involuntary disconnect from your body, mind and/or surroundings. It’s an involuntary episode that like a seizure, is not something your child is intentionally choosing to do. And your child's early trauma may be a risk factor for turning on this survival mechanism.
A reminder to yourself that this isn't voluntary, along with an awareness of the specifics of how it tends to play out in your affected child when a dissociation episode happens,
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