Unless you're new to my content (or just missed it somehow) you may have heard about my authentic modeling method and wondered just what I was talking about. Today, you’ll be happy to learn that I’m going to show you everything you need to know about my authentic modeling method but were afraid to ask, including how to differentiate it from its cousins too "tough love" and the "gentle parenting" trap/trend. I hope this post encourages you that you don't have to choose between either extreme. You'll be ready to own your second mom role knowing you can maximize your positive parental influence while remaining true to your values and personal commitments.
What Is My Authentic Modeling Method & Why Use It?
In simple terms, my authentic modeling method for post adoptive moms involves embracing the fact that the best way to positively influence your child is by showing up as your most authentic self as God made you to be. It's more of a "show and tell" way than a "do as I say, not as I do" way. You CAN feel good about yourself and the way you fulfill your post adoptive mom role or roles!
My Authentic Modeling Method aims in part to maximize your positive parental influence while importantly, minimizing disruptive meltdowns &/or verbal or behavioral explosions.
It also helps you to maintain a more peaceful environment (both externally and internally) for yourself and the entire household.
Want to know how to use My Authentic Modeling Method to your best advantage?
We Start With Understanding
You may come across so-called parenting experts who misunderstand or would equate it with something like so-called gentle parenting or other such trends. Or you may recognize one piece of the method such as setting "boundaries" and think you’ve got it.
According to a recent article from Psychology Today "Specifically, researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are not as effective for more serious, challenging behavior, such as aggression, or for children that are more oppositional or harder to manage." This means that for many of our adopted kids it's gonna backfire … and if you tend to overcorrect when that happens, you may find the tough love camp tempting. In fact, that same article recommends using "consequences" and does a fair job of explaining the idea of what they call "logical consequences" as preferable to what I assume would be "illogical consequences"(?). Seriously, when you understand and implement my authentic modeling method, you'll be able to skip over all those counter-productive, contrived consequences altogether.
On top of that, you'll not have to worry whether a contrived consequence makes sense, teaches the correct lesson, is too harsh or not harsh enough, or if you'll have the bandwidth to implement said consequence.
Background of My Authentic Modeling Method
One of the best ways to understand a new concept is to travel back in time and understand where it comes from and the processes that led to its inception.
I'm sure my background as an all-in homeschool mom, heavily steeped in holistic and authentic learning methods, as well as my short but varied legal background have helped pave the way to what has become my authentic modeling method of influence that I bring to you now. But my desire to be true to my Christian faith has been the thread that ties it all together.
How My Authentic Modeling Method Works
You may be curious about my authentic modeling method. Is it really different than what you’ve already tried? Can it truly make a difference in your day-to-day? In fact, when I first started honing in on my authentic modeling method, I felt like it was perhaps too basic, or a mere restatement of what's already easily known...maybe something I "should" have known earlier. The fact that many post adoptive moms are floundering with all the things they've already tried shows that I was wrong. You’re a smart woman. You’ve figured out what doesn’t work. Telling yourself this or that should work better isn’t helping matters. Don't "should" yourself. And more importantly, don't let that keep you from reaching out for the solutions you need.
My authentic modeling method contains components, some of which you may already be familiar with, that together form a synergistic whole. Let's look at some of them.
Authentic Self - When you and I as Christian believers choose to show up in any given situation as our authentic selves we are choosing to be the person God created us to be. Our BEST and highest self! This is the foundation along with our Christian faith, of my authentic modeling method.
This foundation undergirds every other component and aspect of the method. Whenever you choose to show up as your real authentic self, stretching yourself to be as close to the person God created and desires you to be, then you can leave the results up to God and rest in the truth of knowing he will work all things out for your good and his glory.
Boundaries - Personal boundaries in the way I talk about them are distinct from consequences. Setting a boundary doesn’t equate to “giving consequences”. When I talk about boundaries I am referring to personal boundaries that apply to oneself, not something done to or against the other person.
An example of this type of boundary is a boundary that I will not continue to drive a car in which one of the passengers is behaving in a manner I deem unsafe. It's not an invitation to debate. It's not a contrived consequence or punishment. It's a personal safety boundary. It doesn't depend on the agreement of someone else in the car.
Whether the boundary has been stated or not, I've already decided to quickly find the safest place to pull over and wait until it's safe to resume or call for backup if needed. This may escalate the behavior so I know I may need to get out of the car with my phone ready to call for backup if needed. Without this clear boundary (decided ahead of time) it might be to tempting to try to ignore or deal with unsafe behaviors while driving. Being late or missing an event may end up being a result of my action but it’s not the goal.
Indirect Influence - When direct requests, instructions or commands are clearly not working... even backfiring, and you realize all your efforts at directly influencing your teenager to cooperate, behave better, or choose differently is hitting a brick wall and dragging you down, switching to more effective indirect strategies may become a no-brainer!
Advanced Communication Skills & Strategies -The better we communicate, the better we can communicate to accurately get our messages across without them getting distorted somehow. There are many advanced interpersonal communication skills you can learn and practice. In my experience, using just one or two can make a huge difference in how well your communication lands and how good you feel about it.
Values, Commitments & Follow-Through - If showing up as your authentic self (as God created you to be) is the foundation of my authentic modeling method, then in your personal values, commitments and follow-through are what ties it all together. As you get clear on each of these, you'll increase your own self-trust. I've talked about self-trust before in "4 Ways to Build Self-Trust" - LINKED HERE.
That’s what I have for you this time. I hope this gave you some insight into my authentic modeling method and sparked your interest in how it could help you feel better about your ability to influence your family in positive ways while also showing up as your authentic self without having to compromise on your values and commitments.
And as always,
KEEP LEARNING - KEEP GROWING - KEEP LOVING
đź’śđź©·♥️
Dawn
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Post Adoption (Mom) Coach
“STANDING IN THE GAP FOR 2ND MOMS”
Dawn Baggett is a podcaster and thought leader in Christian post adoption. As a Certified LifeMapping(R) Coach, Dawn helps Christian adoptive moms navigate the challenges of their non-traditional families with their own brand of success!
DISCLAIMER: I’m a coach, not a doctor nor a therapist. As a coach I do not offer mental or medical health diagnosis, treatment or cures. Furthermore, I am no longer a practicing attorney and do not offer individual legal advice. For individual advice related to your own personal situation I recommend you seek out an appropriate professional. Coaching may fill a spot in your overall support network.
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Copyright © 2024 Dawn T. Baggett, JD & Legacy Living, LLC - All rights reserved
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