Parenting is rarely straightforward, but when it comes to adoption, the journey takes on added challenges. One of the profound pieces of this puzzle is recognizing the ongoing effects of the trauma background your child may carry, how it impacts their behaviors and perceptions—especially their belief (or fear) that they may be unlovable, leading them to approach close relationships defensively.
Even as the most prepared adoptive parent, experiencing your incredible love and dedication reflected back with wariness or even rejection from your child can be destabilizing. The very nurturing you offer, meant to comfort them and build family bonds, can sometimes seem to push them away. It's heart-wrenching to pour all your emotions and hopes into showing your child they are loved and cherished, only to find their barriers intense and persistent.
Echoes of the Past
It’s important to acknowledge these barriers erected by your son or daughter are not a reflection of your efforts or desirability as a parent. As echoes of their past experiences, the underlying aim or these protective behaviors is more likely self-preservation.
Your mom role, filled with hope, patience, and unyielding love, is undeniably challenging. It is a dance with no set choreography, where the steps are as fluid as they are sometimes shrouded in mystery. The feelings of frustration, sadness, and even grief over unmet expectations are valid. You are not alone in these emotions, and it is okay to take the time to recognize them. Grieving your own losses, allowing yourself to feel disappointment, and recalibrating your expectations are all necessary steps along the path to second mom success.
Essential Self-Stewardship
Remember, stewarding your own well-being is not an act of selfishness; it’s essential. You need a safe space (and emotionally safe people!) to express your feelings and to rejuvenate your spirit. To safeguard your ability to be the loving and present parent you strive to be, it's crucial to carve out space for outside support and for filling of your own cup.
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Imagine if you DON’T do what it takes to make sure your cup gets filled... your emotional tank is running on empty... you stay stuck in survival mode with your child/children/spouse... you keep trying to fix everything & everyone else and DON’T get the support you need for YOU... then sadly, the compassion you felt for your child at the beginning of this journey can dry up.
Self-compassion, personal boundaries and simply taking care of yourself (as is your responsibility) don't have to take away from your child. Instead, these help to demonstrate that you BOTH are lovable and valuable, warts and all...as the saying goes.
Exemplified Lovability
I used to think that self-care was selfish. What a train wreck that made me!! But then I recognized something…I needed to demonstrate self-care FOR my children too!
- If you value your own emotional health, your child's emotional health must be valuable too!
- If you value your own private time, your child's private time must be valuable too!
- If you value your own time, resources, peace...your child's must be valuable as well.
What is it that you need to demonstrate a higher value of?
Being a good friend?
Excellence in your work?
Protecting your own safety or that of your household?
Respectful communication?
Take some time to prayerfully reflect and journal on this. And ask God to help you prioritize one thing. Don’t get overwhelmed. (Who else besides me starts multiple projects/books/etc. before finishing any of them?)
What area of your own will you start today placing more intentional value on, and how will you demonstrate this important value in your daily life?
What if believing that you are lovable and demonstrating that belief, allows you to share that belief with your kids so that they’ll start to believe they are lovable too?
You are doing an extraordinary job! How do I know? Because those women who follow me are compassionate, intelligent, highly successful and faithful followers of Jesus Christ. — Forging new paths when none is there, taking risks where others fear to tread, persevering through unexpected obstacles...this is your normal!
The downside is that you sometimes don't get yourself the real support that IS available, that WOULD make it easier, that you've been hoping and praying for.
You're so used to doing things on your own (and likely doing it better!) that you don't often let yourself be supported. You may also be a bit jaded, having had "support" backfire when you've reached out before. I totally get that!
I also get that sometimes we do need real support. Don't let the lackluster support you've experienced before cause you to lose hope. Let the duds that have been less than supportive be instructive of what you don't want so you can better recognize the real deal support that you've been waiting for.
Embrace Support for You!
If you’re considering post adoption coaching for you, but think you’ll just keep doing what you’ve been doing a while longer, why not get informed. Take time to find out if this is for you right now by clicking below to complete a confidential questionnaire. That’s the first step. The next step is your invitation to a private, personal, no sweat conversation with me, Dawn Baggett.
Click below to get started.
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Post Adoption (Mom) Coach
“STANDING IN THE GAP FOR 2ND MOMS”
Dawn Baggett is a podcaster and thought leader in Christian post adoption. As a Certified LifeMapping(R) Coach, Dawn helps Christian adoptive moms navigate the challenges of their non-traditional families with their own brand of success!
DISCLAIMER: I’m a coach, not a doctor nor a therapist. As a coach I do not offer mental or medical health diagnosis, treatment or cures. Furthermore, I am no longer a practicing attorney and do not offer individual legal advice. For individual advice related to your own personal situation I recommend you seek out an appropriate professional. Coaching may fill a spot in your overall support network.
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Copyright © 2024 Dawn T. Baggett, JD & Legacy Living, LLC - All rights reserved
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